Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Part 1: How to Know You're Inlove for Dummies

I saw him cry for the first time, and I swear it was the most beautiful and painful thing I had ever seen. It was like watching rainfall for the first time in months. When the rain fell, it poured, it ripped and tore apart everything in its path, it caused so much destruction in its wake that you wished it was gone, but its aftermath was just as beautiful as watching this boy cry. The mountain sides are green, the rivers and washes are filled with rushing water. There was always a sense of stillness when the rain stopped, the stillness that uncovered the rainbow hiding behind the clouds.. that sense of stillness was absent today. The worst part of it all, I took the stillness away, I made this boy cry. 

I always thought he had big brown eyes. He always hid them behind thick glasses on the account that he could not see very well without them. But since he broke them, it was like looking at a new person, but with the same Brandy coloured eyes I fell in love with from the start. Looking into his eyes were like looking into the bottom of a glass with cheap cognac. You stir the glass some, and the colour shifts. The longer you look at it and stir it feels like you're swimming in a pool it. That is how I felt staring into his eyes. This boy's eyes were the size of the moon, this boy's eyes were a familiar home for me, this boy's eyes today did not look the same. They widened and panic struck his faces hearing my sniffles. I watched his eyes fade from brown to black as quick as a blink of the eye. The sparkle he had in them whenever he looked at me was gone. Tears swelled up in his eyes, he tried to blink them away instead they spilled from the corner of his eyes. "How many reasons do I have to cry?"

His voice broke mid-sentence, it was low and stern, the same voice he uses whenever I'm having a meltdown, but he couldn't keep his composure all the way through. My own voice was gone, it had disappeared somewhere into the bottom of my stomach. The words were at the very tip of my tongue but no matter how hard I tried, they wouldn't come out. "No reason." I thought to myself. He couldn't hear what was going on in my head... so why weren't words coming out of my mouth? My natural instinct was to hide underneath a blanket somewhere and cry until I couldn't breath anymore. But what good would two people doing the same thing do? None. The best thing I could do is hide my face into the crook of his neck and hope that this would muffle some of the tears from my eyes. I breathed heavily into his neck, his scent filled my nose. He smelled like stale Newports, and expense cologne - as much as I hated the smell of cigarettes, I loved the smell of his. He waited as long as I needed for me to say something. A minute went by in completely silence. I only heard our quiet sniffles. 

"None." I managed to get out. He heard my voice and quickly scooped his hands around my face and lift mine to his. I felt so disgusted with myself. His cheeks were damp with tears, around his eyes were already beginning to show a little pink. I had never seen a boy cry. It was a lot different than watching a girl cry. They cried in silence, always alone. This was a rare moment I'd have to remember. I scanned his face in silence for a moment, admiring every inch my eyes would take in before another tear would fall. 

"My girlfriend doesn't cry because she's strong like me." His thumb grazed my cheek back and forth, wiping away the tears as they came. I nodded my head slowly and lifted my hand to wipe away the tears from my face. I wiped my nose with my sleeve. "I know..." I said, my voice trailing off into a oblivion. He said he would always know if I was crying. "How do you know? I could just say it's allergies?" I asked with a little smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. His puts his hand over his heart and says, "I can feel it here when you're sad." I did not want to ask how that felt. I could only imagine how that felt. 

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These are going to be like short excerpts I guess??? That would be the best way I can describe it. It'll be like a 10 part installment of "How to Know You're Inlove for Dummies". Stay tuned. 😅 

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